My last post discussed how taking humanity head on was a difficult task. Bringing the world back to humanity is not a task for one person. This lead me to start to look at the world around me, my world. One of my favorite snarky statements is “Its Chrissy’s world and ya’ll live in it”. I never realized how much truth was in that statement until I decided to head on my path of self-discovery (I like to call my journey). It was my ah ha moment. It all had to start with me because I am the center of my world. My world is my reality. Just like your world is your reality.
Let me make one thing clear. I am no saint. I have a lot of baggage and life lessons I have learned. I lived out of a place of shame, guilt, negative self-talk and judgement. Not only for myself but for others. I am quite aware that I am the villain in some people’s stories. The hardest thing a person has to do is look themselves in the mirror. I always told my children they never have to worry about making anyone else happy as long as they could look themselves in the mirror and be happy with what they see staring back at them. The sad thing was I didn’t practice what I preach. Sure, I have accomplished anything I have really set my mind to but like I mentioned earlier something had always been missing. I wasn’t sure that when I looked in the mirror I even knew who the person looking back at me was. If you can think of the name I have been called it and I have done the calling. It’s all good now. I have accepted who am I, where I have been and all I have done. There is nothing that someone could say to me now I haven’t already accepted and forgiven myself for. What some people tend to forget is that forgiveness is never for the receiver it’s for the person doing the forgiving. Sorry for the rant. Now back to the world I saw.
What most people don’t know about me is I am a hopeless romantic that placed a lot of value on worldly possessions/money. I wanted to find the perfect man that would love me for me and not want to change me. I wanted the perfect family or my idea of the perfect family. I wanted the career, the cars and the house. What I didn’t realize is that I had already set myself up for disappointment. There is no such thing a the perfect anything. I certainly did not get the perfect family or up bringing. I came from a broken home. I was so caught up with the idea of being in love that I would over look red flags. I was a yes person. Yes to everything! Saying no would make me feel guilty because I was letting others down and hurting them. I was the first to apologize in any situation. I would find myself in situations that I really didn’t resonate with me. What did resonate with me. What did I really value? I don’t know I could have really answered that question before I started to plunge into my self-discovery.
“Chrissy’s world” was at a place of total chaos. There was so much change going on in my life all at one time. This life I had built was changing so fast and I was trying to control it. My finances were up in the air, my marriage was a mess, my heart was broken and the job I loved so much was just not as fulfilling as it used to be. I had spent a decade plus working and building a life. Doing things that we are brought up to believe are going to bring us to living a full life. Well, at least what I was taught. Work hard, do more, get more, have more and be more that were the common themes. Yet after I would achieve what I worked for it would be onto the next. Never really taking time to enjoy the fruits of my labor. It left me empty. I was empty in a lot of ways but have more than most so I was OK with it. Something was still missing and I went looking for it. I looked for it through people, things and places but never in the one place that really mattered. I didn’t even stop to look at myself. What was I doing that was impacting the world I see and how I perceive it? If this chaos is happening in my life how am I projecting this chaos onto others?
One thing that never even crossed my mind is that I was setting myself up for heart break. There were things that I was doing that was shaping the world around me as I knew it. The crazy thing was I was stuck in the mindset of pointing fingers and blaming others. Not taking responsibility for how I was allowing things to happen in my life. The universe is going to give you what you believe you deserve. The universe was going to send back to me exactly what I was giving to myself and others. I didn’t believe I deserved love. I didn’t believe it. I certainly didn’t think I was receiving it. At least not what I expected love to be. Since I didn’t believe I deserved love I really never allowed anyone to really love me or get close to me. Maybe I was setting my expectations too high. Maybe my expectations of how things were supposed to happen were hindering me from seeing the full picture.
It was time. It was time for change. No one could change the world around me but me. It all started with me therefore I had to be the start of the change. I started really looking at myself. What were things I liked about me? What were things I disliked about me? What were things I was grateful for in my life? What were things I wanted to change? I needed a new perspective. I started doing one thing every day to show myself I loved me. I started naming things I was grateful for every day. I was working out and eating better. I never miss a Monday. I was reading blogs and learning about being mindful. I began to keep a journal and work on my Chakras. I was starting to see that through my healing process the world around me was healing too. As I let my light shine the people around me were also starting to change. Through my journal I was beginning to accept and love myself for who I was. I began to identify and associating my actions with emotions. I began to really understand myself and how I was interacting and shaping the world around me. When I would have a set back I started to show myself little compassion. Which lead to me showing others compassion. In the past where I had difficulty with empathy it was now becoming so much easier. It all started with little steps I began to take to show myself the love I had been searching for and giving to others.
Plunging deeper into my self-discovery I really began to think. If I am capable to rebuilding the world around me maybe my story can help someone rebuild the world around them starting a chain reaction. Our perception is our reality. We are all a product of the environments we live in. Think about it, what if we (you and me) really took a good look at the world we see. What if we started to make little changes within ourselves. What if these changes with in ourselves allowed us to experience real unconditional love. These changes would then allow us to meet others just as they are. No judgement, no blame, no shame, no guilt and especially no expectation.